A short while ago I put my daughter in her crib for bedtime. And when she looked up at me with her beautiful, tired eyes I had that moment of panic. It's a panic that I'm very accustomed to by now. It's the panic that comes with the knowledge that my baby girl is going to realize I'm trying to put her to sleep and begin the inevitable screaming of a tortured soul. But for the very, very first time in the entire history of my motherhood...she rolled over, closed her eyes, and fell asleep. I was so overjoyed that I had to restrain myself from picking that perfect child back up and hugging her with all of my might.
As I look down at the sleeping face of my daughter, I wonder how I got so damn lucky. Sure, I live in a glorified closet in the basement of the old family home. Sure, I share a bathroom with all three of my younger siblings and both parents, and sure, I'm a few relational fries short of a family happy meal...but just look at that baby...*sigh*...she's perfect in every way.
March 3rd, 2009. The day I got pregnant. No frills, no joy, just a day that hurt a little worse than most. I knew that the aftermath could include an unplanned pregnancy, but I didn't think that it would. I hoped that it wouldn't, fool that I was. I know the exact date, and I remember the exact place. Two weeks later I went in for a cleanse that typically has been known to abort. I had to sign a paper stating that I wasn't pregnant. I was so sure. To think back now on the risks I took makes me cringe. By the end of March I was down with the Swine flu and lived with 103 degree fever for nearly four days. I didn't get lower than 101 for a week and a half. Then came judgment day in mid-April when I got the neon affirmative. I was pregnant, I had a baby. It didn't matter that I hadn't seen the world, or finished my degree, or found my calling yet. I was going to be a mother come hell or high water. Life didn't stop, my baby was growing and feeling and learning. The thought of her having to feel the things that I would feel over the next few months makes my heart hurt even now.
May 12th, 2009. The day my husband left. Even now I don't know if he would have left if I hadn't told him to. So even though I live with the consequences of abandonment, I was the one who told him to go. My husband had chosen another life long before he left.
But as I look down at my daughter I feel like the entirety of the universe has collided in my heart. And I can see how awesome life is.
As I look down at the sleeping face of my daughter, I wonder how I got so damn lucky. Sure, I live in a glorified closet in the basement of the old family home. Sure, I share a bathroom with all three of my younger siblings and both parents, and sure, I'm a few relational fries short of a family happy meal...but just look at that baby...*sigh*...she's perfect in every way.
March 3rd, 2009. The day I got pregnant. No frills, no joy, just a day that hurt a little worse than most. I knew that the aftermath could include an unplanned pregnancy, but I didn't think that it would. I hoped that it wouldn't, fool that I was. I know the exact date, and I remember the exact place. Two weeks later I went in for a cleanse that typically has been known to abort. I had to sign a paper stating that I wasn't pregnant. I was so sure. To think back now on the risks I took makes me cringe. By the end of March I was down with the Swine flu and lived with 103 degree fever for nearly four days. I didn't get lower than 101 for a week and a half. Then came judgment day in mid-April when I got the neon affirmative. I was pregnant, I had a baby. It didn't matter that I hadn't seen the world, or finished my degree, or found my calling yet. I was going to be a mother come hell or high water. Life didn't stop, my baby was growing and feeling and learning. The thought of her having to feel the things that I would feel over the next few months makes my heart hurt even now.
May 12th, 2009. The day my husband left. Even now I don't know if he would have left if I hadn't told him to. So even though I live with the consequences of abandonment, I was the one who told him to go. My husband had chosen another life long before he left.
But as I look down at my daughter I feel like the entirety of the universe has collided in my heart. And I can see how awesome life is.
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