Mistakes

Sometimes people make mistakes.

Too much flour in a recipe can ruin a baking project, miscalculating the budget can cause an overdraft fee at the bank, and if you're really determined to have a bad day...try putting regular gas in a vehicle that requires diesel.

These are the kind of mistakes that range from mildly annoying to rage-inducing. But if I were to ask you about a mistake that changed your life, my guess is that it wouldn't include any of the above.

If you're a pessimist, you would probably say that your mistake (or the mistake of someone else) ruined everything. An optimist would say that it made you who you are today. A Jesus person ( like myself) should probably be saying that love covers a multitude of sins and God works all things for good.

But no matter how you swing it, some mistakes can really suck. They can wreak havoc in our hearts and our lives. And no matter how much we think we're willing to pay the cost, we never truly know what we've lost until it's gone.

Today I'm going to tell you about a mistake that cost me a great deal.

When I moved home from New Zealand I was in a great deal of pain. I had no idea what to do with my life. I threw myself into people and events and challenges at every opportunity, drowning my pain in a world where I didn't even allow myself to breathe. In my head, I wasn't worth the ground I walked on. I had been cast aside with absolute finality by someone I couldn't imagine my life without.

And so it was that I met David.

David was everything that Sam had not been. Pierced, worldly, and skilled in the art of wooing. He must have seen the damage in me, because when he descended on my life I had no defense. He filled my car with Stargazer lilies. He showered me with cherry blossoms in the moonlight. He pursued me until I had stars in my eyes. All the while I knew that I was playing with fire. He was wild, reckless, and not a believer.

Journal Entry March 18th, 2006:
"David, shit. Getting stuck on David is a bad, bad idea."

I poured every ounce of my wounded heart into his open hands. But I was still so innocent.

With Sam, everything was new. I once kissed him (purely above-board, people) and orgasmed. I had no idea what had happened, and for ages I thought that kissing him on the mouth was just THAT AWESOME. For me, I was under the impression that holding hands and kissing felt good simply based on the fact that I loved someone and they loved me.

So when David began to push and encourage and lead me in a direction farther and farther from innocent, I convinced myself that it was about love.

I felt myself slipping farther and farther away from who I had been. I laughed at ugly jokes, allowed myself to be treated with dishonor, and justified my actions with wild abandon. At one point I walked into his house to find two couples making out while porn played on the big screen...and I thought nothing of it.

All my life I wanted to save myself for the man I married. It was vital to me. To be able to offer everything that I was to just one person, and love only him through every storm. I wanted to have no comparison, no experience, no baggage. I wanted to learn about love and sex and life with my other half and no one else.

I was convinced that I was stronger than other people. I knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I would never be like the weak-willed, messed up people who gave in to their lust.
My foolish arrogance would go on to wound many people, not least of which was myself.

One night was all it took. One moment too many. Too much innocence pushed aside in order to feel loved. I let someone take the last thing that I believed had any value in me.

I crawled out of bed in the morning hours and wandered numbly to my car. I was terrified. What had I done? Why? Who would ever love me now? No one. If I wasn't worth loving as an innocent, who would possibly want the garbage I had become.
My head was spinning, my heart was sick, and I wanted to claw what I had done out of my stomach.

But instead, I had promised a friend that I would record some lyrics for him. I had to drive my shattered self to a studio to sing a song I didn't know to people who didn't care. I wasn't even a singer...yet another personal failure. Asked to sing as a stand-in for someone better.

When I arrived I was told that the melody hadn't been written, and I was just supposed to make it up as I went. I remember every texture of that moment. I've never felt more raw in my life. I recorded one take, burst into tears...and fled.

Over the course of the next month I would tell my family. My younger siblings were distraught at my failure, causing some enormous rifts that I still battle to this day. My mother was devastated, and my father still hasn't quite relinquished the desire to throw David off of a boat. I had a temporary breakdown, and found him with another woman. He wanted my virginity, I wanted to be loved.

It's been 13 years since then. I've experienced a million joys and pains, made a few more major mistakes, and lived a thousand lifetimes in one. I've learned a lot more about humility and my own weaknesses, and developed a bone-deep gratitude for God's mercy and grace.

I still don't believe in sex before marriage, and the consequences of my actions are ongoing. But I also believe in new beginnings, and know that I follow a good God.