Yesterday I received a blow that I don't know how to recover from.
But first, a story...
Nearly 15 years ago I had a friend. His name was Jene-Paul and he was my closest friend at the time. We would frequently be found sitting in my parents closet, talking about where we were going to travel and what adventures we were going to have when we grew up. It was during these "closet talks" that I learned about his past injuries, present pains, and future hopes. Jene-Paul was the most ADHD person I had ever known in my life. Energy flowed out of him in mind-boggling amounts and sometimes he could be exhausting. But I loved him to pieces and thought that we would be friends forever, he was the boy that I attributed my first (both innocent and hilarious) kiss to. At the time he bore an uncanny resemblance to Brad Pitt. His beauty did him very few favors in life...
Jene-Paul and I shared our pain with each other, but in the end he had a longer and harder road ahead of him than I. Life happened, our families moved, and we lost each other. Five years ago I started searching for him, not knowing that he had changed his name. Here and there I would hear a whisper of his name, rumors of his newly discovered homosexuality, his parents divorce, or a painful break-up...but I could never catch up to him. Four months ago I spent nearly two weeks pouring over Facebook, Myspace, and any online network that I could think of. I introduced myself to every Jean-Paul, Jene-Paul, Gene-Pol...etc. out there. I still couldn't find him. My beloved, exhausting, beautiful friend was somewhere that I couldn't see.
Then yesterday my cousin posted a lament on her Facebook over the loss of Jene-Paul. I actually chose to believe that there was some other boy of the same name who had felt overwhelmed by life. But through my cousin I found his dad. And there, for all the world to see, was a photo of my beautiful friend. Dead at 27 years old by his own hand. I finally found him, 18 hours after he left us.
Jene-Paul and his Grandma.
Jene-Paul and his brother.
Jene-Paul at work.
Jene-Paul with his sister, Jasmine, and his mother, Samaria.
The things that I am learning are not things I ever wanted to learn. My heart in pain feels tight and makes my throat ragged, and I can't help hitting my chest with my fist in the hope that the pressure will make the pain go away. I didn't get to tell him that I loved him so much. I didn't get to tell him that Jesus loves him so much. I didn't get to travel with him or fulfill our dreams together.
All I can do is cry my heart out and plead with God over a boy whose heart was so much bigger than he knew how to contain and whose pain was far too great for him to struggle with alone.
But first, a story...
Nearly 15 years ago I had a friend. His name was Jene-Paul and he was my closest friend at the time. We would frequently be found sitting in my parents closet, talking about where we were going to travel and what adventures we were going to have when we grew up. It was during these "closet talks" that I learned about his past injuries, present pains, and future hopes. Jene-Paul was the most ADHD person I had ever known in my life. Energy flowed out of him in mind-boggling amounts and sometimes he could be exhausting. But I loved him to pieces and thought that we would be friends forever, he was the boy that I attributed my first (both innocent and hilarious) kiss to. At the time he bore an uncanny resemblance to Brad Pitt. His beauty did him very few favors in life...
Jene-Paul and I shared our pain with each other, but in the end he had a longer and harder road ahead of him than I. Life happened, our families moved, and we lost each other. Five years ago I started searching for him, not knowing that he had changed his name. Here and there I would hear a whisper of his name, rumors of his newly discovered homosexuality, his parents divorce, or a painful break-up...but I could never catch up to him. Four months ago I spent nearly two weeks pouring over Facebook, Myspace, and any online network that I could think of. I introduced myself to every Jean-Paul, Jene-Paul, Gene-Pol...etc. out there. I still couldn't find him. My beloved, exhausting, beautiful friend was somewhere that I couldn't see.
Then yesterday my cousin posted a lament on her Facebook over the loss of Jene-Paul. I actually chose to believe that there was some other boy of the same name who had felt overwhelmed by life. But through my cousin I found his dad. And there, for all the world to see, was a photo of my beautiful friend. Dead at 27 years old by his own hand. I finally found him, 18 hours after he left us.
The things that I am learning are not things I ever wanted to learn. My heart in pain feels tight and makes my throat ragged, and I can't help hitting my chest with my fist in the hope that the pressure will make the pain go away. I didn't get to tell him that I loved him so much. I didn't get to tell him that Jesus loves him so much. I didn't get to travel with him or fulfill our dreams together.
All I can do is cry my heart out and plead with God over a boy whose heart was so much bigger than he knew how to contain and whose pain was far too great for him to struggle with alone.
Peanut was beautiful. All he ever wanted from anybody was to be loved and excepted. My brother has fought this his entire life. He had a huge heart, and would've done anything he could to make a person feel beautiful inside. His heart was open to anyone who would listen to it. He was absolutely the most beautiful person and will be deeply loved and missed by many. It's sad that it takes death to realize how much care and love you truly have for someone. We begin to notice the things we use to hate about someone is the strongest features we miss about them. I love and miss my brother deeply. To know that my brother will never be present at my wedding. To never see me graduate. To never see his nieces and nephews grow up.To know it's to late to save him. It's to late to say good-bye. Forgive me Peanut. Forgive me! You will be forever with me in my heart, my dreams, and in my memories. The only thing I have left is memories until one day I also pass through life and meet you on the other side. Love always and Forever....Jas
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