The Cougar Attack

A human's ability to survive has always been perfect fodder for storytellers.

Since the dawn of time, tales of overcoming struggle have been told at the hearth to audiences of every culture.
 

Today, I will follow in the footsteps of my ancestors and tell you the tale of one man's struggle against certain doom...and his ultimate survival against all odds.
 

 

First, we'll set the stage.
 

One month from today, I will be taking myself, my daughter, my sister, and her best friend Around the World in 80 Days. Therefore, I found it imperative that we all underwent a refresher course in self-defense. So I called up a local dojo, set up a class, and we were good to go.
 

The first class was solid. Our instructor was cute, fun, and knowledgeable. We practiced certain maneuvers, read through some instructional lists, and arranged our second class. Home we went, showing off our new skills to literally anyone who would watch.
 

Now some background.
 

I have a life-long history of doing/saying/writing whatever the heck is in my head, NO MATTER HOW ILL-ADVISED IT MAY BE. This is how we get stories like The Midnight Stalker and Kiss Me.
 

It is a perfectly regular occurrence for me to randomly shout at strangers about how beautiful/handsome they are. I once walked past a theater usher who smelled particularly fabulous. Did I continue walking? Comment politely? Act like a sane person? ABSOLUTELY NOT. I pulled an immediate U-turn, stormed up to him, looked him dead in the eye, and stated passionately..."You smell freaking FANTASTIC. I hope you have a girlfriend, because if not...hello, my name is Rachel."

Now that we have the stage and the background...I bring you self-defense training: class 2.
 

I had just come off three solid days of screen work. 45 HOURS of editing, research, and travel planning. My brain was fried, and it's already a weirdo at the best of times. I was very excited to punch something and exert all that pent-up energy. So the girls and I met up at the dojo to learn how to properly destroy evil bad guys. Once again we were faced with our handsome and charming instructor, who jumped right into the lesson.
 

Right away I'm in trouble.
 

Literally everything is making me giggle, I can't seem to stay still, and I am positively brimming with unbridled sass. But I try to keep it together and focus on the task at hand...
 

...which is nearly IMPOSSIBLE when I'm in a room with people that I love, a good-looking guy, and a zillion things to punch. I was having the time of my life.
 

Our instructor (Eric) told us to pretend we were at a bar, and I needed to be up against the wall. But I had questions. WHAT WAS MY MOTIVATION? Was I an international spy ring leader, chin tucked down and suspicious eyes? Was I a touring rock star, swaggering and full of herself? How about a thug with my pants hung low and flashing gang signs? Naturally, I went with the misunderstood supermodel with a heart of gold and a mind like Einstein. Laughter ensued. A little too much laughter, because I just wasn't prepared for what happened next.
 

Without letting me know what was going to happen, Eric strode right up to my face, grabbed both of my shoulders, and slammed me back against the wall.
 

So HERE'S the thing.
 

I believe that a normal human woman would have been able to take the surrounding information (self-defense class, self-defense instructor, aggressive act) and react appropriately. I, apparently, am not a normal human woman. I have spent my ENTIRE LIFE attempting NOT to fantasize about tall, strong, handsome men shoving me against a wall. And UP UNTIL THIS MOMENT I was doing a pretty good job of it.
 

IT WAS THE SINGLE GREATEST MOMENT OF MY LIFE.
 

My brain went blank, then exploded. I imagine it's the equivalent of the moment you realize you've won the lottery. Disbelief, shock, then one all-consuming, brain-melting HECK YES THANK YOU LORD JESUS FOR THIS BLESSING UPON MY LIFE.
 

I did not know that this is what lurked inside my weirdo brain, so I also didn't keep a leash on my facial expressions. And it was precisely my face that sent the room into hysterics. 

I looked at Eric, slightly red and trying to keep himself serious, and realized that he was still trying to actually teach the lesson (like, you know, a grown-ass person). But this meant that he had NOT released me from the pin. My grin widened, my enjoyment increased, he realized this wasn't going to work and immediately tried to change his tactic. He backed away, leaned himself against the wall, and said: "Okay, you pin ME against the wall."
 

Thank you, God, for smiling upon me with such favor.
 

The next maneuver found Eric on the floor, needing one of us to straddle him and pin him down. Like the generous girl that I am, I stand aside for someone else. That someone else happens to be my sister's best friend, i.e. the sweetest girl on earth...who also happens to be SUPER uncomfortable with this exercise. So she put her knees daintily together and kneels on his chest like she's offering prayer at mass. IT WAS HILARIOUS. I have never, in my entire life, seen a less-effective pin. We burst into laughter as she stands up and looks back, clearly begging someone to take her place.
 

It isn't until I have him fully straddled, hands on his chest, and staring into those gorgeous eyes that I realize what I've done. The grin comes back, and I ever-so-subtly state..."This is the GREATEST DAY OF MY LIFE."
 

I think he took great pleasure in immediately demonstrating the defensive move.
 

At this point, my sister is rolling on the floor with laughter, right next to where I am rolling on the floor because that's where I've been chucked. We have totally lost the plot. Rachel is clearly a deranged, man-hunting lunatic who now has all the tools she needs to bag men ALL AROUND THE GLOBE. All this class has done is endanger the single men of the universe. I haven't laughed that hard in years.
 

After the class was finished, we found ourselves joining (crashing) Eric and his lovely friends (whom I now adore) for dinner at a local Mexican restaurant. The food was good, the company marvelous, and the crayon war will be remembered for years to come. Somewhere in the middle, my sister starts discussing my blog. My experience with a shark attack comes up, and Eric mentions that he once survived a cougar attack. I'm very impressed with this, as I state. Everyone chuckles. I realize my error and laugh. "Oh, you mean the sports fan! I'm a Huskies fan myself..."
 

The table quiets,everyone looking at me with expectation.
 

"What?" I ask. "Wha...oh."
 

Laughter erupts as I plant my face on the table, finally realizing that, against my will, I have finally reached an age where the prey has become the predator. I am now the cougar, and Eric barely escaped with his life.
 

For now.