New Zealand Adventures: The Naked Masseuse

Nudity. It's an interesting thing.

But not so interesting that I thought it would twinkle its way into my great New Zealand adventure.

Now that I have your attention, I think I'll start from the beginning.

I had just moved into a music studio in Auckland.

In my first week I was already cooking breakfast for Daniel Bedingfield as he made fun of my spatula habits and drug me out to the grocery store for proper food stuffs. This was just before Natasha's debut and he would get her on the phone and try to make her sing for us.

The owner of this studio was a British/Polynesian/Kiwi man who boasted an insane resume. He was an art teacher, a licensed masseuse, a musician, and a studio owner. He was tall, strong, handsome, and hilarious. At the time I was rather enthralled with a young kiwi boy named Sam, so I was relatively unmoved by the glorious-ness of Andy. Oh, but he was glorious.

One morning, not long after I finally achieved equilibrium, I was shaken awake by an overly excited Andy.

"Rach, aye...get up mite. We're going on a trip, aye?"

His cheerful demeanor met my why-am-I-even-speaking-to-you-this-early-in-the-morning response. But I flopped out of bed and got dressed. He spent his time darting around getting things together.

"Oh, and Rach...pack a bag, we're staying over!"

I look back at this now and think that I must have been very confident in my ability to defend myself against very tall, very strong, very handsome, and very talented virtual strangers. Because I went driving off on an over-night adventure with a man I had known for three weeks. My mother would have had hysterics.

On the road we went.

Destination: Rotorua Hot Springs

RotoVegas

It was a blast. Andy bought lunch, opened the back of his SUV, and we sat and ate while overlooking beautiful New Zealand. Our first meal was Fish & Chips, which is an entirely different thing in N.Z. than it is here in the states. It never ceases to amaze me how awesome a picnic can be. We ate, laughed, drove, and stopped anytime we wanted to explore. The only torment on the drive was my extremely painful introduction to War of the Worlds...the musical.

The painful reality...

The painful reaction...

We ended up at the hot springs at dusk, just as the last vehicle was leaving the area. We were alone...on a sub-tropical island...on a warm spring night...with only the stars and moon lighting our way. It was a gorgeous night.

It was beginning to dawn on me that I might have been in over my head, what with all the romance flying around willy-nilly. But I chocked it up to my youthful ridiculousness. So Andy and I grabbed our stuff and walked to the nearest spring. I found a tree close to the bank and started laying my things out. I heard Andy already splashing and laughing, so I turned around to get in the water and was immediately confronted with the holy mecca of all temptation.

My gorgeous Polynesian friend was standing calf-deep in steaming water, drenched by moonlight, with one hand beckoning me to come join him...stark-raving naked.

This photo has been chosen for modesty's sake.

Second 1: I register what I am seeing.
Second 2: I panic.
Second 3: I look skyward and start verbalizing.


"WOW! Look at that moon! It's amazing...I think I'll just look at it all night!"
I ended up scooting so far to the other side that I got myself stuck. As I tried to get in the water I saw Andy wading towards me with his arms out...perfectly proportioned arms beckoning me to accept his offer of loving assistance. So what did I do? I plugged my nose and took a flying leap into the water.

Half an hour of excuse making ensued...

"Rach, you can take off your togs...no one is here!"
"Oh no, it's fine...I'm afraid of fish bites."
"Rach, come see the moon from here, it's choice as!"
"I think different perspectives give it depth, don't you?"
"Rach, I found a warm current right here..."
"That's great! I'm looking for a cold current though..."

I finally begged the need for water and went running back to the SUV (leaving my water bottle on the bank) and called my mother.

In retrospect, she was pretty cool about it all. Naked man? Okay...don't look, grab your mace. Middle of nowhere? Scratch the mace, find a bat.

Eventually convinced that someone would know if I went strangely missing, I headed back to say that I was tired and wanted to head out.

"Sweet as, I'll just set up the bed in the SUV then, aye?"

Oh yes...that was the plan.
Andy set up a feather bed with fluffy pillows and comforters in the back of his car.
I crawled into bed, on top of the covers, and married myself to the siding. I busted out my phone and started texting everyone that I knew to keep me visibly occupied. I should have paid more attention to my surroundings.

After my tenth text I began to smell something oddly out of place. I looked around to find that there were candles burning, and Andy was setting up his massage gear.

I cannot even begin to express what was in my head at that moment. If ever a woman was faced with a temptation greater than chocolate...this was it. And yet I was in a state of perpetual panic.

And what do panicked girls do? Oh yeah...pretend to be asleep.

Andy tried to wake me up once, to which I replied by snoring...a little too much like Darth Vader. But that was nothing compared to trying to keep the pretense up after he started to massage my head and shoulders.

Thankfully, he wasn't a bad guy...just crazy. He packed up his stuff, fell asleep on his side, and resumed our fun-loving relationship the next morning. To this day, he probably has no idea how insane he made a young American girl trying to keep her head on straight.