New Zealand Adventures: The Southern Cross

I have frequently assured my readers that I would one day write about my Kiwi love story.

However, it is one thing to envision myself writing it in the future, and quite another to actually rediscover every thought and feeling from this part of my history. But here it is, my most epic love story.

January 2004:
I met Sam at an I.W.T. conference. We had both escaped the building for some fresh air and space and ended up exchanging e-mail addresses. My curiosity was aroused, but it was a fleeting moment in time. We ended up e-mailing a few times to chat about the tour, as we were both working with it. He was doing office work in Hamilton, I was on location with the teams.

February 11th, 2004: 

I was wrapping up D.T.S. and flying solo, with the intent of rejoining the tour in Wellington.

February 2004:

"I hitched a ride to Auckland and then to Raglan, stayed overnight and then caught a bus to Hamilton...bought a ticket to Wellington to meet up with Team Extreme, 7 hours later it's cancelled due to flooding. I called my new found friend, Sam (we met in Jan. at an I.W.T. meeting), to come rescue me and now I'm staying at the Revolution House and it's wicked as! I love it here, so I stayed and am working at the I.W.T. office here in town."

Throughout the month of February I made many new friends, all of whom were quick to warn me about the weirdness of Sam. I learned that he didn't ever shower, he only bathed in the river. I learned that he would not accept physical contact, without exception. I was warned that no one could handle or keep up with him.

Challenge accepted.

"The other night Sam and I stayed up until 1:30 sitting on the lounge chairs, eating chocolate and talking. The boy is fascinating. He wants to be an Entomologist, he grew up in the Solomons,  took Ballroom lessons, doesn't tolerate physical contact, and is strikingly intelligent. He has two brothers, Laurence and Markus, and one sister, Frances. He speaks Pidgin, hardly ever showers, and loves to read."

 He really was quite weird.

March 1st, 2004: 

Sam, the office, and myself all went to see The Passion of the Christ in the theater. By the end of the film I was doubled over sobbing. Sam reached over, grabbed me by the shoulders and hugged me to him. I was in too much pain to even notice, but the entire town was aflame with the news by the next day. Being Rachel, I didn't notice the significance of such an out-of-character move. We continued to spend every night cooking and chatting and every day working together at the office.

"Grognogulate - The process of making a hot drink in Samese."

March 5th, 2004:

"The tour is in town and I ended up staying at the office until 11 PM to walk to the stadium for set-up and pass something hot to drink around. Sam and I walked home at 1 A.M. and I was freezing. So I grabbed a blanket, he made us tea, and we talked until 4. Crazy kids."

March 8th, 2004:

Every person  has that one thing in their heart that seems larger than life. To me, it was the Southern Cross. The Southern Cross unabashedly symbolizes adventure and romance to me. Old sailing ships swore by it, poems centered on it, tragic lovers lamented under it's gaze...

I was as over-dramatic about it as you can get.

So late one night Sam and his friend drove me out to the beautiful Hamilton Gardens to play on the swings outside of it. The stars were brilliant, and I was mesmerized. 

Suddenly Sam was directly behind me, guiding my hand upwards and speaking very softly to direct me to where the Southern Cross was shining. Electricity went shooting through me as ridiculously as every Hollywood film tells you it does. It was such a moment that I actually became breathless and everything slowed down.

"Last night Sam & John took me to the Hamilton Gardens and Sam showed me the Southern Cross."

March 15th, 2004:

"I hate those days when you realize that you haven't written in your journal over a particularly significant period of time and it has suddenly become a responsibility...because if the past events are not recorded, a highly profound portion of a life-changing event may be lost in time. So, after all of that supremely literate intro, I'll attempt to live up to now-standards of explanation.

The cookies were excellent.

But that's not all, folks! They were fun to make and, of course, it was an intense battle to keep the Revolution House fingers out of the batter. Sammy helped me make them and saved me great pains by making the process go by quickly and with a lot of fun. After the cookies were finished, Sam took me on a walk to the lake, which is an unbelievably awesome place to play pirates! It is soooo much fun! Probably the best playgrounds I've ever encountered before now. John picked us up while we were walking and took me to the Hamilton Gardens...I don't even want to describe how magnificent they were. 

It is the most magical, adventurous, beautiful, romantic, and exciting place...and if I marry a Kiwi, I can see it happening there. Afterwards, John dropped Sam and I off at the church to set up and that would have been boring beyond belief had Sam not been there. But alas, even the most mundane things are made fascinating when that twit is around. So we crashed on the couch and waited for the event to start while chatting away as usual. He is so weird and yet I could be enamoured with the boy given the opportunity. The opportunity arrived quite nicely. I asked him to come up with a subject we hadn't broached yet, because conversation was getting hilarious. So we waited in silence for a revelation until he said he had one. I awaited the funny, interesting new topic with the relish of someone waiting to chat incessantly once more...

"We haven't broached the subject of you and I going out." Followed by an eternity of piercing gaze.

Yeah...uh...well...

And there went all of my English training out the window. I cannot begin to describe the fire-brand he non-nonchalantly shoved into my brain. My entire body went flaming hot, I couldn't think of anything in the slightest except "I have to respond...um...respond to what?!" I stuttered, giggled, and attempted to not feel like I was on fire. He proceeded to tell me how attracted he was and what an awesome person I am, which only made it that much worse. Never in a million years did I think that this little stinker would be interested, let alone take the initiative, let alone make my entire physical, emotional, and mental makeup turn into complete jelly. But lo and behold, there I was, jelly on a couch. I finally managed to mumble/giggle something out. But I really wish I could have related what was happening, it would have been a better answer to his question than the one I gave. I've given the situation to God, because if it were mine I would want to beat Sam for doing this to me the day before I leave. But I trust God with everything, especially this.

But, of course, now that one conversation has changed everything. I couldn't look him eye to eye without going jelly head-to-toe. Someday I hope he finds out that he accomplished what no one else has in my entire life.

August 30th, 2004:

I brought Sam home with me to meet my family. Any time that we were separated we sent endless letters and poems and gifts. I treasured his letters more than anything I have ever possessed. 

November 3rd, 2004:

I went to live with his family in Hamilton. His parents, Roger and Kathy, and his younger siblings, Laurence, Markus, and Frances. I fell in love with them. Laurence was the kind of boy that was utterly irresistable, with a charming personality and a lovely voice. Markus was a rocking pile of adventure, having knocked out a front tooth while wake-boarding within one week of my arrival. Frances taught me how to survive daily life, and also helped me cope when I missed my own family. I loved this family as much as someone can love a family that isn't their own.

"I got back to New Zealand yesterday. They put me in Sam's old room...I love this room. He left me licorice, roses, a Willard Price book, a night sky book, and a hardcover Silmarillion. I love him."

November 18th, 2004:

Sam took me on a road trip to meet his friends and see the ministry that he was involved with. I liked all of his friends, and the trip was quite the adventure. But upon my arrival, I heard his leaders stand up and state that all Lifeway members needed to sign a covenant. This covenant stated that each member would obey, without question, the direction of their leader. They further explained this by detailing how God speaks to the leaders and the leaders could then direct others. 

I was devastated to find that Sam had placed his desire in a group that bordered on the Jim Jones structure. I told him that if this was where he was being called, I would support him, but we needed to end things before my heart would be heavily wounded. He didn't even blink before he said that he chose me. I wish I hadn't so readily agreed with him.

"I told him I couldn't marry a man involved in Lifeway, and he said he'd rather have me."

November 22nd, 2004:

Sam proposed to me on a mountain. See here. The date was set for the following September.

May 5th, 2005:

Sam and I both scheduled trips at the same time. I was off to Vanuatu for a week while he went to visit friends at Lifeway. The night before I came home I was suddenly struck with an almost unreal heartache and I began to cry. I wrote a song that evening which has been mostly forgotten, but I didn't forget that people came outside to listen and asked me why I sounded to sorrowful. I was unable to give them an answer.The only piece that I wrote down was this...

"I will run 'til my feet are broken,

And I will hide, 'til my eyes adjust to the dark,

I will cry, 'til the well in my body runs dry,

For here I am without you."

"I returned from Vanuatu, and Sam broke it off. He says that he is called to Lifeway. He cried and said that I gave him no choice."

July 20th, 2005:

Sam and I decided not to break away, because we loved each other. Instead, he sent me off to the U.S. after we chose to take an extra year to seek God before getting married. One month after I returned I answered a phone call from him. If I had known that it would be the last time I would ever hear his voice, I would have fought with him...just to keep him talking.

"I hurt. Sam called to officially end it all. My best friend left after saying he wouldn't."

I did not endure this heartbreak well. As soon as I hung up I collapsed in tears for hours, and didn't shed another single tear about it for years. Instead I began a series of self-destructive relationships that I'll save for another day.

The last thing I wrote about Sam was a poem.

"I love thee as the sun and also as the moon,
I love thee for thy song and languish for the tune,
To love thee is a shadow lost in realms of time,
To love thee is my misery, to love thee is my crime.
Yet I shall never love thee, less than stars amount,
And should our love equation be, pray n'er cease the count."