Our Beating Hearts Are Broken

 

Jacob was a pain in the ass.

My oldest male cousin, he specialized in putting me in arm bars and threatening me with spiders. And the dude was HUGE. I mean, in my young mind he was the biggest dude on the planet. This made me hate those stupid arm bars even more. But there was a flip side...I always knew that if I needed him, he would be there. He caught me crying once and nearly took the door off it's hinges to go find the idiot that made me cry. No matter what a jerk he could be at times, he would have fought an army of orcs for his friends and family (and I was just a cousin, so you can imagine).

So last year when he came up for a visit, I decided to tell him how I felt...for the first time ever. We went to the park and sat on the swings together, like kids, for two hours. I told him how much I hated getting picked on, I told him that he and his brother, Caleb, were the big brothers I had wanted my whole life. I told him that I loved him, and that I thought he was an amazing man. I also told him he was a pain in the ass. When he left, he gave me one of his massive, all-encompassing bear hugs and told me that he loved me right back. When he and his family drove away, my heart was bursting.

How much tighter would I have held on if I had known?

Yesterday I spoke into a phone as my father held it up to Jake's ear. I begged him to wake up. I begged him to come back. I told him I loved him. I told him that we couldn't bear to lose him.

How is it that someone as loved as he was, could leave? There were so many people begging him to stay. His wife, a pillar of strength and courage. His children, who he loved beyond reasoning. His mother and father, who should never have had to say goodbye to their son. His brothers and sisters, who counted on him being there for so much longer. His brothers-in-arms, his friends, his family...countless people, pleading with him and God and the universe...stay, Jake, stay. We don't want you to go. PLEASE don't go. Stay.


I love you, Jake. I truly thought you were going to wake up. And I don't know how to breathe now that you haven't.