Hello World, Date Me...No, Seriously

So there is this event...

It's called "Under The Moonlight" and it is held at one of my favorite places on earth...The Lan Su Chinese Gardens. Go here if you're curious.

Anyway, I really wanted to go. Like, REALLY wanted to go.

But given the content of the event (food, champagne, jazz, moonlight...etc.) I just couldn't muster the courage to go spend an evening all by myself, surrounded by happily matched Portlanders.

This was pretty strange considering how much I prefer to do things solo in general. I've always liked the freedom of being by myself.

I was even chatting with a friend once about how great it would be to have a partner who would watch our home whenever I left the country. It was only after I got some strange looks that I realized that I should probably prefer traveling with my spouse...rather than leaving him to house-sit. Who knew?

In retrospect, I should probably never date again. Poor boys of the world.

But I digress...

The very first thing that I did was pick up my phone to text my beloved Korean homeboy, only to remember mid-text that he had up and moved back to Seoul a month earlier. This actually made me cry. I didn't realize how much I missed my late-night-ice-cream-coffee-fire-lantern-sparring-partner-favorite-friend until he was gone. Just to prove my point, I actually texted his no-longer-operational phone...

"I seriously miss you."

I will now show a model's rendition of my face.

Anyway, I moved on to plan B. Beg my friends and family to find me a date.
Yeah, I would like to point out that they are utterly useless in this department. I have my suspicions about the motive behind their abject failure (apparently no one wants to take the blame for setting some poor guy up with me). ;)

Plan C involved a public plea on Facebook, which in all honesty played out almost precisely like Plan B.  *Insert Sheepish Face Here*

So, having burned through an entire list of ideas, I resorted to the penultimate disaster of date-seeking.

"Why hello, Craigslist... you sexy beast, you."

Now before y'all go leaping to judgements and conclusions, I would like to point out that yes, I am an idiot. Leave me the crap alone about it and go blame my parents for giving me this genetic heritage of ridiculousness. ;)

But seriously, I was fully aware of the mine-field of possible horrors that make up Craigslist. I did the best I knew how...not posting in the personals section, not giving any critical information, and making a few things clear.
I agonized over the post. How could I be honest without being scary? How could I attract a good date and not a single crazy? I probably spent an hour finding just the right wording.

Finally, it was perfect. So I posted it...then showed it to my family. They stared at me blankly.
"Wait...you actually WANT to find a date...with THAT?!"
"Um...Rach? I think you just scared the crap out of every human on Craigslist."
"Well, at least I don't have to be worried about you catching a creeper!"

Yeah...I deduced from these reactions that I had probably been a tad more frank than is the norm. But rather than tell you, I'm just gonna bite the bullet and show you the post.

Dateless In Downtown

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Date: 2012-08-02, 1:12AM PDT

Reply to: your anonymous craigslist address will appear here

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Hello World.

It is now my job to convince you why you should not do what I am about to ask of you.

I need a date to the Lan Su Chinese Garden event "Under the Moonlight" (http://www.lansugarden.org/events_classes/under_the_moonlight).
And by "need," I mean, "want due to hopeless romanticism."

I am certain that at this moment, there are dozens upon dozens of you leaping to take me out for the evening, so here is a mini-biography to introduce myself.

I am 28, Caucasian, and a devout Christian (the holy-rolling kind, no less).

I graduated with my A.A. just this year because I chose to travel in my youth instead of attending college. I have an IQ of 168 that has proved useless to me. I've been to 11 countries; speak 3 languages (Spanish, Bislama, and Korean) haltingly, play at least 2 songs on five different instruments, and can dance at least a few steps of most genres. Lest the point not come across, I love to learn. . .but get bored easily.

I have no secrets. It is my greatest ambition to never tell a lie, not even once. This has landed me in some interesting situations. I am a steel-covered marshmallow, jaded and cynical in my head, naïve and hopeful in my heart.

I was home taught (laugh all you like, but I got to study abroad and graduate at 15. . .and don't even get me started on the joys of studying in pajamas), and brought up well as the oldest child in a family of six. I love travel, reading, writing, photography, cooking, recycling, music, tree houses, Disneyland, adventure, and learning new things. . .respectively.

I have a pretty significant weakness for Asian boys (grew up with them), Navy men (old movies will do that to a girl), and big, strapping Scots (Braveheart, anyone?), but I've never succeeded in being shallow. Out of the heart the mouth speaks. . .if your heart is solid, I'll probably think that you're gorgeous. It's a gift. ;)

That being said, I would like to present my case. . .

Why You Should NOT take Me On A Date:

1) I'm divorced. Straight up split. Enough said.

2) I weigh 267 lbs. I can't lie, a lot of that is muscle and an Irish bone structure. . .but there are no two ways about it, this girl is fat.

3) I am a follower of Jesus. This proves awkward to most people, especially since I don't tend towards typical Christianity (I don't attend church, I cuss, and I hate to pray out loud). Christians are annoyed with my lack of piety; non-Christians are annoyed with my lack of Atheism.

4) I think pornography is the same thing as adultery (say what?). It's true. Although I'm not very judgmental about it. . .just super-opinionated.

5) Not only do I need a date, but I need one that can buy his own ticket. Because I am the opposite of a sugar momma. I write, I volunteer, and I garden. Wealthy I am not.


And there you have it, all of the things that make me awesome, not awesome, high maintenance, low maintenance, mysterious, or not mysterious. To summarize; I'm smart, fat, divorced, poor, sappy, and likely A.D.D. But at least I'm awesome.

Any takers?

Don't all jump at once now.                      

After all the reactions I received from my family, I wasn't really expecting a positive response. I was however, expecting SOME response. Perhaps a "What is wrong with you?" or even a "That was pretty funny"...but nope, nada. Not so much as a spam message was sent my way.

This elicited an entire 24 hours of self-reflection. I thought about past rejections, about the possibility of staying solo, about my dreams, hopes, struggles...etc. It became almost comical...Rachel's grand soul-searching during the epic wait for a Craigslist response. I laughed, I cried...I ate copious amounts of dark chocolate.

4 days passed.

I went searching for my ad to re-read it...see if I missed something. Only there was no ad to be found.

There had been a mistake in the posting.

Craigslist was SO sorry, it was SUCH a mistake...it listed as being posted, but wasn't visible on the site and they couldn't figure out why. I figured it out immediately...my butt had been miraculously saved.

I deleted the post, gave up on the event...and decided to blog about the insanity once I wasn't feeling so put out about it.

You're welcome world, for giving you such good guidelines on avoiding general stupidity.

Thank you, Korean pop stars, for wanting to rock with me. Be my date? ;)