I was too fat for
the amusement park.
The wristband
checker didn’t actually say it out loud. He just looked nervous as he gave my
body the old up and down. I was used to dealing with those looks, but I hadn’t
counted on today being like this. Today was supposed to be special, and not in
a “you’re too fat for this ride” kind of special.
For months I had
saved up enough money to buy a new bathing suit, one with a halter-top and
skirt (to make me look thinner) and a pretty pattern to help me stand out. But
right now all I can see is that look, and I feel the old terror welling up in
me. I brush it off as my youth group presses on into the park. Knowing our
leader, we’ll be hitting up the lockers first. Before he’s done re-reading all
the rules for the 15th time we will have already lost a full hour of
our day. I’m crossing my fingers, because I need time. A lot of time. I know
that the other girls will be in and out of the bathroom in minutes, bikinis
firmly in place and hair flowing in that perfect way that I can never copy.
Most of them did their make-up before we even got on the bus this morning,
while I was still trying to figure out how I was going to sit next to Anthony.
Timing is
everything, and I had to have it just right. I waited until he climbed on, and
then let Ashley get on before me (Ashley is totally crushing on Joey, so she
won’t sit next to Anthony). I almost lost my chance when Tiffany tried to get
ahead of me, but I managed to block her with my bag on “accident”. It didn’t matter though, because Joey
was already sitting next to Anthony. I like Joey, but I could have killed him.
I ended up sitting in the seat in front of them, right next to Megan. Megan is
nice in a safe kind of way. She’s usually the one I end up sitting with,
because she’s nice that way. I spent three whole hours listening to Anthony and
Joey talk about cars. I really wish I knew more about cars.
But I was okay
with that, because by the time we go home tonight I will have changed
everything. I’m going to tell Anthony how I feel. I am pretty sure he feels the
same way, or else I don’t think I could be this brave.
Last week we were
watching a Mariner’s game in Seattle, and he asked me to take a walk with him.
He told me about his family and his dog, but all I really remember is how wonderful
he smelled. Anthony always smells good. When he put his arm around me all I
could think about was how very good he smelled.
Our leader is done
talking, and everyone bolts to the bathroom. I know that I’ll end up with the
worst changing room, like usual, but I grab my bag and go anyway. Last night my
mom helped me braid my hair so that it would be curly today. I like how it
looks when it’s curly; it makes me look older and more exotic. I even borrowed
an eyeliner pencil from my best friend. I don’t know how to use it, so I ask
Megan to do it for me. It’s weird that girls do this all the time, because the
pencil keeps getting jabbed in my eye and it hurts. Now that she’s done it
looks really good. I don’t want to be the last one out of the bathroom, but I
realized that I forgot one of my bags outside, so I run and grab it.
When I get to
where my group is, I notice that almost all of the girls are already in their
suits. I see Ashley in her red bikini, and Tiffany in her purple one. They look
perfect. I look down at my clothes and suddenly I don’t want to wear my new
swimsuit any more. At least in my clothes I’ll stand out. If I put on my
swimsuit all of my friends will only notice how fat I am. Besides, water rides
have the longest lines. Maybe I can ask Anthony and Joey to go on the
rollercoaster with me. Tiffany is scared of roller coasters.
Our youth leader
asked me if I’m going to swim, and I told him that I might later. I see Anthony
and Joey running down the path towards the pool, and start following them until
Ashley yells my name.
“Wait for Tiff and me!”
I’m a little glad
that they want to be friends with me. They are both really pretty. Tiffany is
blonde and skinny, and everyone says she has curves in all the right places.
Ashley has long black hair and looks a lot like Snow White. Walking with them
makes me feel insecure, so I breathe in my stomach and try to walk just like
they do. It’s hard to breathe like this and talk at the same time, so I just
listen. Somebody calls Tiffany’s name and they both run back to our group just
as Joey and Anthony come to meet me. Anthony smiles and Joey tackles me in a
hug. I’m glad that Tiffany and Ashley walked away first.
Anthony wants to
know why I’m not swimming. I tell him that I wanted to go to ride the
rollercoaster first. Joey tells me to come swimming, and I hear the girls
coming back towards us. Anthony grabs my hand.
“Please come swim with me, I’ll
take care of you.” I promise that I’ll be right back and run to change into my
swimsuit. I knew that today was going to be good.
I look in the
mirror and see how awesome my hair looks. My mom tells me I have a better figure
than most girls, and I think that’s true. I don’t know why I’m so afraid to go
outside like this. Why should it matter that everyone is thinner than me? Ashley
comes running in to get me.
“Wow, you look really pretty.”
I hope she’s not just trying to
make me feel better, because I really need that to be true. My friend Krista
once told me that only pretty girls get to date hot guys. And trust me, Anthony
is hot.
I follow Ashley
outside and we run to catch up with the others. Joey is the first one we see,
he’s looking for Ashley and I.
“Anthony and Tiff are going down
the waterslide, we can meet them at the bottom.”
So we go to the slide pool and jump
in. I’m careful not to get my hair wet, since it’s what is making me pretty
right now. Joey yells at us that Anthony and Tiff are out of the slide on the
other side of the pool, so we wade over. Anthony is holding Tiffany’s hand and
kissing her. Joey laughs and they keep kissing. I dive underwater.
When I can’t
breathe anymore I swim back up, but everyone is gone. I see Joey and Ashley
walking up the stairs to go on the slide, but I can’t see Anthony. I don’t look
for Tiffany, even though I could probably find Anthony faster that way. I’m not
going to look for either of them.
I think I’ll go
ride the biggest waterslide here. It’s orange and curls around like a snake,
but walking up the hill to the entrance is going to be embarrassing. I know
that I’ll be out of breath by the time I get there, but at least no one is with
me to notice. I climb to the top and wait in line. The boy letting people on
the slide smiles and jokes with me about how scary it is. I ask him if I’ll
survive the trip.
“Only the beautiful survive!”
I laugh at his joke, ‘cuz I think
he is being nice. But now I almost hope I don’t survive the slide. It would be
the biggest joke ever.
I sit down at the
top and close my eyes. My butt is so big it fills up the launching space so
that water starts to pool up behind me. The boy leans over and tells me to come
back soon as he gives me a quick push.
The water goes up my nose and I
feel like I’m drowning. I suddenly wish that Megan were here with me. Everything
is moving fast and the slide seems to go on forever, but then I fly out the
other end. It takes me ages to get the water out of my sinuses.
I’m just sitting
in the shallow end, dipping my face in the water anytime my eyes get too red. I
don’t know why I never have a Plan B. Considering how many times Plan A doesn’t
work for me, you would think that I would learn. I think about Joey. Maybe he
liked me and Anthony decided to live by the bro code. I think I’ll go find him.
Megan came and got
me for lunch. We’re all supposed to go check in with our leader. She’s really
excited because Anthony and Tiffany are officially going out. I just hope that
Joey wants to sit with me on the way home. I ask her where Joey and Ashley are.
“Joey’s taking Ashley to get cotton
candy so he can ask her out.”
I go to the
bathroom and change back into my dry clothes. My hair is full of chlorine, so I
just pull it up in a ponytail. It’s not like it matters anyway. I look at myself for the millionth
time. I don’t think I’m ugly, I’m just a little fat. I’ve been fat for as long
as I can remember. I wonder what’s so special about being thin. I’m better at
sports than all of the other girls, and I don’t eat as much as they do.
Somebody once told me that fat people are lazy, and that’s why everyone thinks
they’re ugly. I’m not lazy at all. My face is prettier than Tiffany’s too.
“Rach? You in
there?” It’s my leader calling. I grab my stuff and go out to see what he
wants. I guess he’s worried about all the hooking up, since he’s supposed to be
keeping all the teenagers safe and abnormal. Lunch is finished, so I think I’ll
go ride that stupid rollercoaster, even if I am all by myself. I’m nearly there
when one of the older boys catches up with me. His name is Ben and he’s really
weird, but in a fun way. He says he wants to ride the rollercoaster too, but
everyone else has been off playing in the water.
“Can I hang out with you?”
And I’m okay with that.